December 31, 2016 § Leave a comment
Christmas has passed – amen.
There were many people who were so wonderful to us this holiday.
Everyone told me it would be hard. I didn’t believe them. I was going to be fine. Christmas is about the kids. My kids had been through enough this year. It was going to be my mission to give them a great Christmas. Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and yet another third day of celebration. I stood up straight and tall put a smile on my face. Told everyone I was fine and I was doing great and had what was seemingly a wonderful time. But all three nights driving home I was dizzy and nauseous. I had to sit in back so I assumed I was car sick. Until the end of the 3rd night when I could let my guard down. That’s when I really “lost my shit”. I haven’t cried that hard since the funeral. I mean I cried to the point my muscles ached. A big ugly cry where you just can’t stop for hours. I realized then I was never car sick, I realized then I wasn’t “fine”, I realized then how hard I have worked since my mom passed to “put a smile on my face” and take care of others. I realized then that I have only just begun to grieve. I have been, since that night, basically just knocked off my feet with exhaustion. I feel like I finally gave into it all. I finally stopped. Being home for a week has been a good thing. I haven’t accomplished anything and have spent half of my time in bed binge watching TV. I have no guilt about doing that. I need it right now. My kids have been in the same boat. Just wiped out.
New Years Eve last year and New Years Day are when my mother’s decline began. We spent New Year’s Day in the ER at Mass General. She ended up in-patient for weeks having her crushed spine (from the cancer) reconstructed. Then rehab. Then home with more drug trials and scary side effects until finally she said ENOUGH this past May. I was happy for her when she decided. I watched her suffer for almost 4 years at that point. She knew what she wanted. She wanted to be free. And after many more months of suffering, lingering, all of us waiting…. she was free. And in the moment it felt like a blessing. We yelled “go mamma go! Be Free! ” we cried, we wailed, but still – it’s not real -and now I have thoughts like “I don’t have a mother anymore.” When I hear other people complain about their mothers I get upset. When I hear other people talk with wonderfully about their mothers I get upset. I feel like a jealous little kid.
I don’t know how to handle the next two days. I want to rewrite the New Years story that I have from last year. I want to cover it up with a new better memory. Is that even possible? Am I just back to fooling myself again?
I am praying for a good year ahead for my family. It’s been so hard for so long. I am praying for reasons to celebrate, reasons to laugh and ways to enjoy everyday.
I want to let go of all awful painful memories for a while without letting go of my mother. I want to remember the laughter, the good times and I have not yet been able to do that – again I know it will come.
I want to heal.
I want to know she is still with me.
I want to be happy again.
but….. I miss my mama.