The after

November 6, 2016 § 1 Comment

The after sucks.

The after when your mom has left the Earth sucks.  That’s all there is to it.  No more, no less.

It’s a strange limbo we live in now.  She always guided us and now we have to guide ourselves. I don’t like it.  I talk to her more now than I did over the last year of her illness so there’s that. My worries aren’t so life vs death anymore right now so I guess that’s a good thing. But the gaping hole she left behind is there.  I honestly try not to think about it.  I mean it’s just so damn looming that it takes up most of my subconscious so why waste conscious energy on it…right?  Is that called denial?

Her voice lingers in my mind. I hear her advice constantly.  I know she is with me.  That brings me peace.  I feel like she is more with me now than she was capable of being over the last year of her illness. Weird but true.

I can’t remember her healthy face. When I see it in pictures it’s foreign.  I can only seem to bring to my memory the last few months where she looked nothing like herself whatsoever. I have heard this will pass and I will be able to remember her once again as a healthy person.  I long for that.

The holidays are coming. I know it will be hard it already is.  The holidays last year were hellish enough.  I am somehow super focused on making these holidays happy. I feel like my kids deserve it.  They sat in the sadness too for so long.  Life is truly about the memories we make … I want to make sure these holiday memories for them are good ones.  I am afraid I won’t be able to pull that off because you know that looming subconscious of the gaping hole she left behind sometimes gets the better of me.

Being busy helps most of all.  Being alone in the car is the hardest thing of all.

I try to remember how much she loved to laugh.  I know she would want to see me laughing. I rather laugh than cry.  But… I wish I could laugh with her.

Just going to keep moving forward thats all anyone can do – just keep on going…

 

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