December 31, 2015 § Leave a comment
I hate New Years Eve. I mean let’s face it as we get older it’s just another night. Looking back on this out year it was mostly full of hell infused with some really good times. Over the past year I watched my daughter suffer through having rods surgically placed in her spine and continue to watch my mother suffer through cancer. I have been sad more than happy but have become extremely good at “putting a smile on my face.”
This year as well I decided to go back to school and some other professional adventures. Those are good things but some days I feel like “What the hell was I thinking?” When regular life seems hard enough.
I have struggled with staying fit this year. There is so much stress! – this is making me feel like crap but I know it will eventually improve.
We did have excitement with Aidan and his progress in lacrosse and academically. He works so hard to be the best kid he can be and he knows how much his dad and I appreciate it.
Ari is happy at school. Period. That is a blessing.
We took a wonderful trip to Disney as a family and that was a great wealth of happy memories.
We had a relaxing week in New Hampshire that my Parents were part of – likely the last trip I will ever take with my mom. I savored every moment and I am so grateful for some fantastic laughs we had!
In the spring my mom, Ari and I took a trip to Kentucky which was quite an adventure but full with some sadness. Although the stories we have to tell from this whirlwind trip make it worth it. Someday I will tell you the story of Namny and her bus ride with Big Daddy! Lol.
And then there is Tim – my love, my rock and the one person I don’t get to spend time with. We work so hard to support our family there is seldom anytime left over for ourselves. We know this will eventually change and for now we manage, hold each other up on the days we want to crash from emotions or exhaustion. But God knows even on the days when we aggravate each other there is no one else I’d want to go through this crazy life with.
Another blessing has seeing my parents love for each other in action – daily. Cancer sucks and can tear you apart but watching the love my parents have and how strong my father is – although the source (cancer) is hellish – watching their love is so beautiful!
I am praying 2016 bring more laughter than tears!
December 6, 2015 § Leave a comment
Our family seems to live with perpetual stress. Not just the regular day to day stress of raising a family working and going to grad school full time, we also are rasing a daughter with significant needs and living with a parent who has stage 4 cancer.
Honestly, we are used to the stress of the disability and the cancer even with all the bumps in the road that both bring. But two weeks ago we didn’t just have a bump in the road, we hit a sink hole! A big sink hole I thought we would never get out of. We almost lost my mom from complications with Chemotherapy.
We are not niaeve we know what cancer, especially stage 4, means but this just happened so quickly and so unexpectedly it blew our minds.
I am an only child and my parents put a beautiful in-law addition on our house shortly after my moms diagnosis. Living all together under one roof has been a dream. We have all spent so many happy days together. Our favorite time is sitting on the screen porch watching the world go by and talking for hours until the fire flies come out.
My dad and I supported each other and my mom through this horrible time two weeks ago. Watching his love for her is ingrained in my brain forever – it is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.
But as it turns out my mom is strong, tough and resilient! She made it through and is home with us. We have two weeks before she starts her new chemo, right before Christmas. I admit I was selfishly disappointed at first. I was mad that I didn’t get to celebrate Thanksgiving the way I wanted to with my mother and now potentially Christmas would be ruined by the Chemo treatment too. Until I just STOPPED, until I remembered those dark few days in the hospital when I pleaded with God not to let my mother suffer and to just let me see her smile again. And that’s what made me stop. I just realized I got what I asked for, God answers my prayers – I can’t waste it always wanting more! I have to enjoy every minute, hold her hand, soak in her smile and laugh with her as much as possible. And the more I think about it I know how important the everyday is – not just the holidays but all the regular ol days in between – those are the days that are magical.
I am feeling blessed and hopeful this Christmas. I am grateful for my faith and my family.